Reaction vs Creation

Apparently I’m 4 weeks away from having another wee baby and to be fair it couldn’t come sooner as this body is SOOOOORE…

I have taken a break over the holidays. I’ve stopped work, camped with the kids (for one night in Mangawhai due to the storm), gone walking often, travelled to Gisborne for Christmas, visited family and friends, been to see Six60, made peace with people I have not been communicating with, had healings and karmic cleanses, prepared good healthy food and enjoyed my family.

I have to say; I was not in a good place last month. What absolutely humbled me was the kindness and love shown to me by friends. I’m not sure why I was so completely broken or felt the way I did because normally I can cope. For some reason I fell apart completely and I couldn’t put myself back together. I couldn’t visualise the “goodness” in the future., the life I always preach. But my friends (and I am so surprised at who they were) that I have been lucky enough to attract or surround myself with gave me advice, an ear, strawberries, flowers, a hamper, vision alignment courses, spiritual healing, vouchers, healings, job offers, lunch, a phone call and their time. I’m not kidding that every day I sat there feeling sorry for myself, someone came round or invited me walking or to see Christmas lights, dropped in with gifts or to chat. They listened to me pity myself and each person was different in what they said to me.

Every day I questioned; Why if I have helped myself through my whole life, and I know what to do, can I not put this into practice? After a while I stepped back from all my responsibilities and thoughts. I realised one integral thing. While I was in a place of REACTION, I was unable to operate from a place of CREATION anymore. Sometimes, and it was one of those times, you need to be okay with the fact that you are reacting. I was hurt and I was upset with so much going on in my life that I couldn’t deal with it all.  However the moment I came to this realisation was the moment that I took my power back. A loss of power and the inability to control what was going on definitely played a part in my feeling hopeless, helpless and like I was caught up in a life I never asked for, that wasn’t my own.

How many people out there feel as though they have no control over what happens to them? You live every day reacting to what happens. Work happens, you have a job role and you do what is expected. You get hungry so you find something to eat. Someone speaks to you so you reply. Everything we do is mostly a reaction if you think about it.

I remember a few jobs I had (reception jobs I landed desperately) that I didn’t want or like doing. So I didn’t do them. Well not entirely true, I mean I did them, but I did it my way. I wanted to be more, so I did more. I created jobs and projects for myself that were not required or expected. I turned up early for work and in both of these jobs, developed roles that were more than a receptionist, that never existed, and was paid accordingly. That’s what happens when you live from a place of creation.

Replying to someones question is courtesy, but you can discover so much more when you create the conversation. I’ve discovered so much from people by taking the time to ask strangers questions or bring up topics of interest that are not the norm. Mind you I often get people thinking I am weird or strange by the things that come out of my mouth.

When I realised what the problem was for me, I took more time to reflect and decide what I wanted to create. I had no idea. It seemed like all my dreams were scrambled and I was really unsure. The New Year, new moon and new courses I was trying to take advantage of helped me to see that, while I knew what my basic needs were, I didn’t know what my true desires were yet and that’s actually okay. Right now I can think and attract what I need for my immediate needs and requirements, but how exciting is it to think that my future is going to be so super amazing that I am unable to even visualise it yet. Each day I become a little bit clearer in what I deserve and can achieve so it makes no sense to limit myself to my current thoughts.

Every day I attract a little bit more goodness into my life, so I know I must be on the right track. I don’t need to know everything that is going to happen in the future right this minute. I am trying to get all loose ends tied up and immediate jobs seen too A.K.A nesting.. and so far that has resulted in the ceilings been washed, walls in some areas cleaned, my fridge, pantry and white canvas shoes are all clean. I question my priorities too.. hmmm.

In the meantime every time my back cramps or I have a Braxton Hicks I pray that the baby comes so I can sit up without having to hook my toes under something solid for support, so I can sleep, choose when I need to pee, establish the new routine, get rid of either the boys or girls clothes I’ve collected and regain my mind as my own.

Being an impulsive person who wants results yesterday, I am learning to accept and be okay with the slow process this seems to be taking. Good things take time? Rome wasn’t built in a day?

OKAY baby evacuate NOW….

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