A grieving mess of gratefulness

I’m a 32 year old woman. I have 3 children and am 10 weeks away from my 4th. I am broken and devastated. I have no idea what to do right now.

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Everyone who knows me says I’m strong and can get through anything. The hurt plagues me. It sends me to despair. Today I went to church and held in the tears when singing. The preacher said; If you are feeling sad, sing with joy for God is great. Tonight I went to the supermarket with a tear-stained face, the Indian worker I always say hi to asked if I was okay. Choking back tears, he told me to be strong.

I have no strength right now. I stay awake at night, I can hardly eat, I shake, I feel sick, I can hardly walk sometimes, I am physically ill and I cry a lot. I’m in pain and it won’t go away. I can’t change the present. I tried to love selflessly, I became selfish in love and in the end I considered everyone’s feelings.

Currently I cry more than I don’t. Sometimes; I feel like I don’t want to be here. Life isn’t fair. What did I do to deserve this? How can I move on? How can anyone treat someone this way? What could I have done different? Is it me? Is this real? Why me? How am I going to cope? My mind tortures me.

I’m reminded, I’m not the only one to be in pain. I know I am better off than many others out there. I am grateful for my children and my life (although at first I couldn’t bear the thought of continuing). I would like to think life will get better and this is temporary. But it doesn’t stop the hurt and pain. It doesn’t stop the desperation or heart-break. It doesn’t change the reality or loss and grief I feel.

I know I have to be there for my kids and support the unborn baby emotionally and nutritionally. I know right now the state of my house is unimportant, even though cleaning helps keep my mind busy if I can manage it. I know I need to get well.

Grief and loss is a process. One that cannot be hastened. One that takes time and is a lonely road. Sympathy can be given but pain is a lonely feeling. I wish I felt nothing. I wish I loved shallowly. I wish things were different. I wished for a family, I have lost so many relationships but also gained family from my life this past year.

What is incredible is the empathy my 1 year old daughter has shown when I couldn’t cope. My crazy full on baby who doesn’t sit still, walks to me, gives me kisses, lies on me and pats my back. Where does she even get that from? My 11 year old son who has been rather challenging lately, tonight when I left the room to hide my pain away from my kids, put away all the baby toys, replaced the couch cushions and stacked books because he was trying to be helpful.

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This morning he made me breakfast and a card APOLOGISING  that I couldn’t go to my besties (who is here from overseas) birthday because I stayed home to look after the kids when my baby wouldn’t sleep at my friend’s house (who was going to babysit). All dressed up and ready to go nowhere.

My 15 year old daughter would happily look after the baby when she knew I needed a break.

My sister escorts me everywhere and helps out daily because she knows I need help. My Mother in Law listens to my negativity and thoughtless communication every day while I purge my confusion, frustration and sadness. My healer gives me affirmations and prays for me as she knows I am unable to say anything right now that makes any sense. Friends drop round or call and offer support even when they know not what to do.

I am lucky and grateful to be surrounded by the people I do have in my life. I am struggling. I am not coping. I am not perfect and I don’t have it together right now. I am lost, confused, reliant on others, hopeful, helpless and vulnerable. I don’t have strength right now. I have no future. All I have is tomorrow and a memory from yesterday.

What I would like to say is THANK YOU, thank you to all the people who are being strong for me while I cannot be strong for myself. To all the people in my life that offer hope, words of encouragement, support, loyalty and friendship in the times that I most need building up. Thank you for being by my side. I am truly grateful and I don’t take it for granted.

Today I communicated effectively without emotion to the one I feel hurt by. A step in the right direction I know, now I just need to be able to do that with the supermarket staff while I buy milk.

And just as a side note, the Moon has been a super nova and Mercury is in retrograde. This is bringing the past up lately for many people and will do so for a few weeks, so hold on. This too shall pass.

2 Comments on “A grieving mess of gratefulness

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