Forgive me my self

My old blogs from Body Sculpting days were hilarious. I thought… I was accused by my best friend of being fake. I didn’t think my writing was fake at all. I tried to make it funny and those things really happened. I also tried to bring into it my personal development and lessons I was learning along the way.

It got me thinking, this blog is completely true for the most part too. There are some things I leave out as I don’t want to affect anyone negatively, nor do I want to incorporate those involved in my writing. But one thing I need you to know… Although I try my best, I do not have it all together by any means. You may have guessed my weak point is my relationship skills with various people (at the moment).

Last night I re-watched the movie; The Secret. I got halfway through and it was saying, it’s not possible to have abundance in your life if you don’t have forgiveness. I had to stop watching here for a few reasons. First of all, how can I carry on learning when I know I have unresolved forgiveness issues. Second of all I can’t build on what I have watched until I get that part working.

Then I got thinking; Why can’t I just forgive and move on? Why is my stubbornness so relentless? If I forgive, am I opening myself up to being hurt again?

When my son’s Father and I broke up, to get through the pain I used to tell myself this story:

There were 2 little stars in the sky. “One star said to the other, If you could be anything, what would you be?” The star replied, “I would be forgiveness.” The first star said, “Ok, let’s go down to earth and I’ll do something so horrible, so nasty to you, you will get to feel what it’s like to be forgiveness.” The other little star replied, “Wow, really? You would do that for me?”. “Yes”, said the first star, “But remember I am only doing it because I love you.”

I used this story all the time, I told everyone. It really helped me to feel forgiveness and move forward from the pain I held onto. So it got me thinking. Why, when I have come all this way from sitting on the couch and feeling depressed, to now, I can get outside and life is fairly normal with the kids and my studies etc. Why, am I still holding onto all this pain that serves me no purpose but to remind me of sad times. It will eventually make me sick. It holds me back from moving on. Why can’t I let it go?

Let me ask you. What are you holding onto that does not serve a higher purpose? Is there someone in your life that you don’t talk to or forgive? Is there some anger or guilt that is holding you back that you can’t shake? And be real with yourself. Why are you holding onto it?

If I get real with what I’m feeling, I think it comes back to the fact that I want those people to hurt the way that I am hurting because I don’t think they understand how they made me feel. And that’s so wrong because a) no one can make you feel anything you don’t want to feel and b) it’s not right to try punish someone for the way I feel inside. You may remember that old saying too; Stupid is drinking the poison and expecting someone else to die. Or in my case; eating my sister’s cooking and expecting her to cark it.

I have no intention of holding onto this forever and feel like the reason it has come up for me is because I’m getting ready to deal with it. I have been thinking about forgiveness all day. I am extremely aware of where I am at and have every intention of clearing it all out sooner rather than later. Life is too short to hold onto bad energy and it just doesn’t fit with what I intend on creating. You can forgive without accepting that behaviour in the future.

You may be ok with forgiveness, but if your reading this, maybe leave a comment and let me know what it is that you struggle with in your life at the moment. What aspect would you want to see change? And remember, moments do change. It needn’t be stuck forever. Forgive. You owe it to yourself.

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