I guess doing my Horticulture qualification has made me feel like I can diagnose my own ailments. I mean, I may not be an actual Doctor but I’ve learnt how to solve problems with research. Really a Doctor is someone who has studied for years, knows how the body works and what viruses and bacteria do to make us sick.
It’s quite similar really to a paper I did on Plant Life Cycles, Pests and Pathogens. I passed, except I’m not certain what made the hole in my Feijoa leaf. But plants/people, pests/pathogens… Same same. You could say I’m a studying first year plant Doctor… The biology and mechanics are really very similar. So anyway, I had a sore finger and found out it is Dyshidrotic Eczema. Don’t ask me to pronounce that. It only lasts a wee while and can be brought on by stress or funnily enough, seasonal allergies, of which I sometimes get from PLANTS. Personally I’m not sure how just one of my fingers could be stressed out but I’m sure it will soon pass and my finger will return to normal.
I had another ailment too which kept me up at night worrying. This one I was too scared to google it as I didn’t want to find I had google cancer. So I took photos and sent them to a friend to google for me. I told her not to tell me if it was something bad, just if it was a good thing. She said I had nothing to worry about. I asked her how long she has been studying plants. You can’t just go off the advice of any old person deciphering google. The stuff on the internet is not always TRUE>>>>
Another thing, I have enhanced pigmentation around my lips from pregnancy still, it kind of looks like a permanent brown lip liner, which can come in handy to accentuate my pout I guess. I’m not sure what the line from my belly button to pubic bone is supposed to be accentuating but that’s still there too. My core is getting stronger again and my back has started to relax a little. The annoying thing is, when you have a small baby, overnight your other old baby seems to get frigging heavy all of a sudden. I’ve been ordered to do pelvic floor exercises but no sit ups. So the only heavy lifting I do is lifting my kids and try not to sneeze, if you do you just hope for the best…
Aside from this the week has been much the same. Amalia has had fever, Farty Mc Fart Pants is growing into that name. We ran out of clothes one day we were out and had an incident. We went for a walk and bike ride through the graveyard and Amalia tried to take a loose nameplate home. Ashton drove a kart down a hill and into the bush, did some target practice with his rifle in the backyard and Tayla came home from work saying the baby has grown heaps and turned ginger.
We don’t have a bath at home, which post incident I was told I should have used the baby bath. However the other night I put the kids down and went to relax in the shower with bath salts and oils in a bowl of water while eating an ice block. I did hear a pop type noise when I tried to sit in the bowl, and it seemed the plastic bowl would collapse under my weight, so I squat sat and ate my ice block while the bowl suctioned around me. It wasn’t the most comfortable shower/bath. And it wasn’t until after my shower I realised the bowl had cracked and most of the water was gone, so that was a fail. Don’t try that at home. Probably a good thing though, as I’m sure no one would really want to use the bowl again after I sat in it.
Amalia is trasitioning to a big girls bed this week. Night one took an hour. If I knew that at the time I wouldn’t have bothered yet but thats the thing with follow through.. You have to do it or else your no longer the boss. So we both shared the bed and every few minutes I would move closer towards the door until I stood at the door. There were tears and pointing at the cot from her , words of encouragement and guilt from me. I let her choose the next day, mostly because it was convenient for my meetings and time effiecient, but tonight she went in her bed and the ordeal only took 10minutes. Until she was woken and we were in and out of bed and the bedroom again and again. After a discussion I ended up closing the door to her room when she got out of bed, she cried, must have got back into bed and went to sleep! I couldn’t believe it..
My midwife came today and baby has put on 500g this week, if you have no idea what that means like me, it’s alot…She asked how I was feeling. I said yesterday I was having weird thoughts. She said “Like what?” I said the baby was looking at me funny… She said to get some more sleep, laughed and asked if there was anything else I wanted to ask her? I said “Is it weird if I take the kids for a walk in the graveyard?” She said “Yes, why”. “Well it’s just across the road and I can walk the baby and Millie can ride.” She told me not to stand on the gravestones. I didn’t tell her last time Mille tried to bring one home.
Have a fantastic week everyone xxx
I’m not going to lie. There was a small part of me that thought I was not going to be able to cope with another child, and there still may be times that I can’t or will need a break. My current outlook however is one of moderately rested, chillaxed, poo covered relief.
I stayed in hospital the night I gave birth and another night, more so for protection of my sleepless mind and needing a break from my 1-year-old who came to visit and was swimming across the floor, running through the curtain in my room and banging the crib against the wall.
I was lucky to have a good support team at home who helped look after the crazy girl and help tidy the house; thanks Tayla. My sister and Mum were instrumental in helping with kids, food, transport, showers and the stupid things you take for granted like; hands over the next few days and lifetime hopefully. I sure learnt fast what it was like to have a 5 seater car with 2 car seats and 4 kids. I also fast learnt that carrying a baby, doing groceries with a toddler and trying to bag fruit was a definite NEVER. Front pack will always be in the car for moments like these.
Adjusting to the extra tike, getting into the swing of things, I really got into swinging things. While making Amalia’s dinner and juggling a baby I grabbed her bowl to fast and biffed it across the kitchen smashing it all over the floor, singing “It’s ok, ha ha ha what a mess, let’s clean this up”. I got this all together… Once the kids were to bed, I put the rubbish out. The recent bag I filled with the bits out of the fridge and freezer that I didn’t want to go smelly over the week. I accidentally missed last weeks rubbish so that went out too, along with the recycling and I was so PROUD of myself. Piece of cake this whole kid, cleaning, living stuff.. I got this.. and the next day when the rubbish was still there… I was so PROUD I was the only one on my street who was 6 days early with the rubbish. Hah! Who said this was going to be hard 🙂
Next thing you know… Baby starts getting a gunky eye. I’m freaking out it’s from Amalia poking his eyeball and he’s going to go blind, so I start drenching his face in breast milk.. Supposedly better than Nana’s Raleigh’s. I get woken the next morning by Ashton’s school asking me to pick up my child who was found sleeping on the bathroom floor. Excellent. I get my boy, sterilise him and segregate him downstairs, issuing him Marmite crackers and electrolytes and ban him from touching anything. Poor soul had the worst stomach bug, but I couldn’t take my chances getting myself or the kids sick. Finally it was Amalia’s turn to fever and grump while Tayla unexpectedly fainted at work.
So we’ve had sickness run rampant through the house but we got through it just fine. What we did have to watch out for, was Amalia loving the baby to death. Mostly death by accidentally trying to sit on his head. Sticking her fingers in his mouth, ears or eyes. Trying to drag him by the foot or worse… if he had his nappy off. You really had to watch that girl, which is precisely what I asked my sister while I changed his nappy. “Please don’t let her fall on his head” I warned her. “You had one job!” I screamed as I flipped Millie over on the bed as she sat/fell towards the babies face. “I didn’t think she would actually do it” Lauren said.
Next time Lauren was around I pretty much forced her to change babies nappy while I cooked us dinner. I was pissing myself as I stood in the kitchen listening to her moan and scream as he fart pooed at her with no nappy. I decided I better go help as Millie was standing there watching too. The whole nappy was full and he was still going. It was spilling everywhere and don’t ask but I ended up with handfuls of poo. Literally. It wasn’t funny until he then started peeing and I had no more hands, Millie started screaming as it aimed towards her, I’m literally lying on the floor pissing myself laughing too while Millie kisses me, I’m holding poo so I can’t do anything and Lauren is screaming holding the pooey nappy and we are witnessing Niagra Falls.
This week I have been farted on more than I care to recall, pooed on, spewed on, scraped food off the floor, had to express milk direct into a sandwich bag, forgotten which kids were born on which birthdays, forgotten I had a new baby, forgotten Amalia was at crèche and been looking for her, had nightmares about people stealing my baby, forgotten to take kids to appointments and been surprisingly happy and content.
I have also come up with some pretty good ideas for dealing with life in this household. Like having a list of dinners that everyone eats so I don’t have to think what to cook and lunchbox ideas, showering me and the babies all together instead of showers and baths, just wearing underwear if I’m home alone to save on mammoth washing loads and learnt NEVER to make the mistake of removing the nappy thinking the poo has stopped.
On Monday Ashton had midterm break and Amalia had crèche, so this was a good day for some one on one time with Master 11 and the 11 day old tag along. I told Ash to check out what movies were on and we could be back in time for creche end. We ended up at The Black Panther! What a fantastic movie! Well the first part anyway. I totally underestimated how cruisey it would be with baby. I was sitting in my seat when I felt warm and wet in my crotch… I didn’t think it was me… Babies first leakage… took care of that, thankfully before lights dimmed and then for the first time ever he decides to be grizzly, so the whole time was a mix of; feed, burp, swing, burp, pat, move, feed. Until it was time to leave.. not because the movie actually finished, or trying to escape before angry people hunted me down for the squawking, but because kids.. Pick up time for creche. Now I have no idea how the movie ends, I look like I’ve pee’d my pants walking back through the mall and the guys that are paid to get your attention for something were chasing me trying to explain their cause (which they also did on the way in) and I feel sooo guilty having to blow them off without even listening..
But we were going to be late otherwise and now I have more kids I don’t want to miss a beat and have people think I can’t look after them. Like the lady at the kids first Lantern Festival who said “Look she’s even got one strapped to her chest”, like it’s not normal to wear a baby, push a pram and walk with your adult kid, Mum, Sister and any other possible straggling kids that may have appeared to be mine too. On that note.. One festival is enough for a few years. That was insane to manuever with a pram!!
Anyway it’s taken me 3 days now to write what normally takes me 1 hour. I will blame the census for making me fill in papers for all the kids but it’s also due to settling babies, writing references, eating biscuits and trying to wash extra sheets that have been peed on.
Just a quick note too to say a massive thank you to Renie Jackson for her amazing pregnancy shoot and post – partum new-born shoot. Aren’t these photos amazing?? It’s funny because when I exit the house I look nothing like this wearing a singlet and shorts with my hair in a knot, but it is so nice of her to capture these moments. I need them to remind me how much I love my kids when s*&^ happens.
The day started like any other. Itching to get the baby out, contemplating my options and wondering why I was now 2 days overdue. My midwife had told me this baby would be small, smallest of my biological children and not to try entice it to meet the world.
I had eaten curries galore, bounced on the tramp, tried reflexology and prayed. Myles had come down from North waiting to be there for the labour and as soon as he got down contractions started. They were painless regular hicks increasing in intensity mid afternoon, until I got stressed out and they stopped. Later we decided to go for dinner and a movie. Contractions started slow during dinner and stopped again for the movie. Until Myles’ phone rang, scared the crap out of me and brought on the one and only contraction during the movie.
After it finished I refused to go home. Myles sat in a bus stop while I walked tirelessly up and down the main street in Takapuna, half on and off the kerb trying to drop it out. This was the night and I refused to go home. I walked around a tree-da-bout so many times I got dizzy, so decided to change direction (and scenery). We walked blocks in Takapuna into the night and as my phone started to die, I text my midwife saying the contractions were becoming regular and frequent, my phone was going to die and I was going to go run the stairs at Les Mills. To which she replied; “Shannon GO HOME. It’s probably false labour. Get some rest and charge your phone. Don’t contact me again unless it’s serious, I’m tired.”
I was so disappointed. I was super upset. I could not go one more day pregnant I was going crazy. And that was it. Contractions stopped. I was so sure… It was exactly like how my last labour started but again it stopped. How could this “false labour” they speak of try trick me like this when I was sooooooooo hopeful.
I went home and cried. I made Myles promise to come get me immediately if anything happened and crawled into bed to be sad and wish the baby out. I was exhausted from pregnancy and sore. About an hour later, I had an intense contraction, it was super painful but I was to scared to text my midwife in case it was false labour tricking me. I messaged Myles and asked if he was awake, saying I think I’m in labour but let me be sure as I don’t want to annoy anyone. 1 minute later I text a lot of obscenities asking him to get me immediately I need the hospital.
Turns out I couldn’t wait and luckily my sister drove me there. I was backwards in the car seat screaming my head off and every time we went round a corner I wanted to punch her for erratic driving. We rang Myles on the way to tell him to meet us at the hospital, but all that came out on our 8 minute drive was “AGHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH, you talk Lauren!”
At the hospital, Lauren opened the car door for me to get out and said she’d get me a wheel chair, at which point she turned around, slamming me in the car door mid contraction. I mean if that wasn’t enough pain. She was trying not to laugh as I screamed even louder, alerting the ambulance people. They looked nice, like they weren’t trying to kill me. The wheelchair came at me, but I just couldn’t get in. I looked at it front on, I put my head on the seat and crawling on the ground pushed it with my face screaming, “I think my waters just broke!”, all the while trying to keep my shoes dry.
The ambulance staff found a bed and were trying to help me get there, while I was screaming, “I’m not going in without Myles!” and Lauren was saying; “Don’t be stupid, your baby is going to be born in the gutter.” I was still crawling outside the hospital as Myles turned up and helped my into bed where all hell broke loose and I attached my face to the top of the bed with my teeth screaming, “It’s coming!!”.
Thankfully my midwife was already at the hospital and was ready to deliver. I think the baby came less than an hour after getting into the room. It was a surprise gender reveal and most surprisingly, the size, being 8.8lbs. Biggest by far of all my babies. How the heck that was inside me and managed to get out I have no idea, but he didn’t even fit half the clothes I brought to hospital for him/her.
Aside from the sheer pain of such an intense and fast labour, I was SUPER excited that I finally had my body back and although my aches and pains were replaced with new excruciating and interesting ones, I was certainly glad to have a break from the old ones and be holding this new little soul on the outside.
I, like usual, have no idea what to call him and probably won’t decide in a hurry as we get to know the little guy. Although this may not be the first time I have had a child, it most definitely is different and challenging in so many ways.
Helmets off to all those mumma’s juggling work, home making, cooking, nurturing relationships and commitments to people, outings, study and whatever your day entails, all whilst slinging one kid on the hip and another on the boob.
Unless your kids are like 10 and 11 now as that may be a bit awkward, but still hard all the same!
It’s been a funny week with anticipation for the arrival of baby, opportunities strangely presenting and things going wrong.
Eventually, after living in the fly plague, we found the only thing that sufficed was a fly swat and bribing my kids with the prospect of dinner if they squished a certain amount of flies. This was the only thing that brought the numbers down and managed them.
So we are all on top of that WHEN ants happened. Our house has a lot of bush outside and I know we have many nests. Good old ant bait used to do the trick but they are invading us from all angles. I am not sure what it is about the boxes in my house, there’s no food in my bedroom, yet the ants keep coming. I have to vacuum a path through them in the morning and today I had to clean my pantry 3 times! First time in 3 days they even went for food!?? Now if that’s not frustrating enough.
I vacuum and mop every day, however after getting my vacuum fixed the other week (apparently now the hose is broken) it’s in for repairs again, so I am borrowing my sisters. Thank goodness. But don’t breathe yet.. Things come in 3’s right? So tonight the front loader washing machine starts leaking. There’s nothing caught in the seal so I STUPIDLY try another load.. The SMELLY cloth nappy load which yes, starts leaking across the floor unbeknownst to me for a while… Second mopped floor of the day…
With 3 days left until baby, you would be forgiven for thinking the last broken thing would be my waters? But no… No matter how much spicy food eating and tramp bouncing I do… The baby refuses to budge, but my 1 year old wakes up and I find her amber teething necklace hanging broken from her neck. PLEASE, PLEASE may the replacement turn up fast as a new baby and a teething grumpy baby is not going to be a good combo I’m sure.
Millie has just started creche finally and everyone is surprised at how independant she is and doesn’t care if I’m there or not. She made me a Valentines cookie which I dared not eat after watching her make it. Ashton and Tayla also got me sweet chocolate and diffuser gifts each. Super lucky to have such amazing kids 🙂
My Costochondritus has become so sore, I thought, as we do, it certainly has to be worse than inflammation, so naturally I googled my concerns and found a hypochondriac thread and realised that the cancer I thought it must be fit perfectly with others thoughts and in fact it probably was just a painful case of what I was diagnosed with in the first place as was discussed in the chat. Anyhow this lead me to showering due to pain and applying hot water to my ribs while sitting on the shower floor. I realised I had zoned out and was super relaxed, but all I had been doing was thinking about my problems and concerns. The last one being… Is vadazzling a real thing and if so, what do you use to stick diamonte’s on your hoohaa?? I later researched this and it became the talk of my sister’s birthday, but back to the shower.
I thought, while I’m down here I may as well clean the plug hole.. Which led to this mostly innocent facebook status, which in turn led to the biggest laugh I’ve had in a while. At least now with the bathroom ceiling, toothbrush holder and plug being clean, I feel I can readily give birth without worrying about the state of the bathroom…
Last minute preparations included making some better toy storage for the lounge so it doesn’t look such a mess, except that every day the baby wants to play and messes up my tidy now… I have been approached to shoot with some great photographers (the day before my due date!), thankfully they wanted head/shoulder shots and were happy to go ahead even though I’m smuggling a basketball and will potentially flood their studio.. Murphy’s Law… It’s a thing..
I’m also sleeping a heck of a lot better since seeing a Kinesiologist. You know those people who tap certain areas on your body and push your limbs up and down to test your meridians are working? I didn’t either until I experienced it for myself, and surprisingly, the assessment, although I pretty much did nothing, was exhausting! You could feel the energy at work. Just what I needed right before this baby comes, fixing my sleep patterns and also easing up on my back pain. I still have the nerve pain and can’t walk well at times, plus the inflammation but I’m sure they are a bi-product of this baby and will evacuate my body with the labour.
So 3 days left and I’m contemplating what else I can get rid of, clean, fix or sell. How will I go about fixing the washing machine, what to do with the ant situation, when can I pick up my beloved vacuum and who will want to look after my 1 year old until her necklace arrives?
I think in saying all that, the most important question really is, are there any bedazzlers in the next 3 days with a spare appointment.
I really think it would be nice to open your eyes for the first time and think you live in a disco ball….
HAPPY VALENTINES EVERYONE!!
My sister asked if she could help.. I said; “Yes please, see that spider there… Please get it”. I passed her some blu-tack and now I have a spider blu-tacked to my ceiling.
I am sorry to all those people who don’t kill spiders, and YES Dave, I just read your article about white tails not being poisonous, just the bacteria from our skin causes infection… BUT I have white tails breeding in my ceiling and have been vacuuming them up as they lay hundreds of suckers that must come out through our HRV maybe, anyway with my little toddler and impending baby I just can’t take the risk. I find them everywhere. They have to go.
Now I’m not one for spiders, when I was Drug Screening and testing houses on site I would suit up, mask on and find a suitable meth spider fighting stick to battle, should I come into contact in a ceiling cavity or under a house.
After careful consideration, I thought best not to fumigate the ceiling cavity as I’m not sure I could even fit through the manhole, but was assured if I sent an aerosol can flying like a grenade from the manhole, down the cavity to the other end it would be ok, even if it said to stand it up… So I turned off the HRV and let the can fly. I probably should have taken a torch as I have no idea how far it travelled or where it landed. I set another right my the manhole and we evacuated the premise to a surprise “Not Baby Shower but small celebration for baby due”.
I don’t know how my friends kept that a surprise from me for so long but it was lovely to have a small celebration over my first virgin mojito!! Totally appropriate given the circumstances I thought. I particularly loved the fact one of my gifts was secured with a dental floss bow and all the concern for certain parts of my body returning to normal asap. It’s great to have such caring friends. On a serious note though, the week has been great with so much care and pampering and I’m feeling so much better than last week.
Now, I don’t know about your place, but although I try to vacuum and mop every day, due to hard floors and baby mess, I still have flies in the house. Since taking a course in Organic Permaculture I have learnt so much about the environment and sustainability. I simply cannot bring myself to use fly spray on these beasts as it harms the environment, kills the bees, flies are pretty much immune to it these days and it’s toxic for my kids.
Last year I invested in those disgusting fly paper hanging gross things and ew were they full. This year it seems the flies are not only immune to spray but have developed a conscious in which they have learnt to avoid the sticky brown thing. SOOOO I researched natural fly deterrents. First I tried halving lemons and stick them each with 20 cloves 🙂 I totally thought it worked the first day, but no, my lemons just started rotting in the heat and my flies lived on.
Yesterday I brought some lavender essential oil, I mixed it with tea tree essential oil and some water. Putting it and some hope in a spray bottle I sprayed that stuff all over the house multiple times as I heard this even worked for the flies in California that are resilient suckers.. And at first I thought I got this down! But no.. Even when I put it in containers around the home they still land near it.. So if anyone knows how to solve this predicament please let me know.. Didn’t even consider the fact that my fly spray cost nearly $20 to make! Crazy…. But my house does smell good I guess and the kids can continue to lick the walls.
On the baby dropping update, I sooooo cannot wait to get this labour on the go. It’s not only embarrassing being out and about when the baby presses on my lower nerves, because I cannot control being able to stand and suddenly look like I am inspecting something on the floor, but it can hurt sooo bad. I like to opt to stay at home these days as it is easier to manage when I’m close to a couch or bed and nobody can judge me or think I’m in labour when I’m crawling.
I was lucky enough this time round to have an easy early pregnancy, skipping the morning sickness but seem to have traded it in for weird ailments in the 3rd trimester like; burning ribs (Costochondritis – inflammation), I thought I was going deaf (inflammation of eustachian tube in ear), and being soccer punched in the pubis or pressure applied to sacrum causing my legs to go numb or give way. The physio said to stop cleaning so much, obviously she doesn’t have flies at home. I have also found the less I do the more pain I have so I’m pleased to have cleaned out my toothbrush holder and have mopped the bathroom ceiling now.
I am “due” in 14 days. I am hoping it comes early and next time I write I hope I can feel both my legs and can advise whether I’ve had a boy or a girl.
Please let me know if you have any natural remedies for flies as I swear I’m about to start throwing shoes at them or will end up too scared to remove any stray blu-tack from around the place 😦
There comes a time in every mothers life when you have to decide… Do I risk the fine breaking the law by driving down the side of the motorway in peak hour traffic? OR do I accept that my car is about to be covered in poo….
All I can say is… Thank goodness my sister was driving, and next time my 1 year old is saying “Uh oh, Uh oh” I should listen up… But this is how my week has gone down. Packing wet wipes into the side of a shitty nappy to stop the flow, after wiping down my poo laden child, 8 months pregnant and leaning over the passenger’s seat, while screaming at my sister to pull over ANYWHERE…
My iron and haemoglobin is terribly low at the moment and causing extreme fatigue and my iron pills make me vomit and nauseous all day if I take them, I agreed with the midwife to go to the Dr who gave me an iron infusion.
Before they had even started I had almost fainted on the table. No idea why, since needles, or the thought of brown stuff being injected into me does nothing to make me scared… Although, frankly I was just grateful to be lying down by this stage without having to watch my baby for a minute. 40 minutes later and my blood pressure was still extremely low, but I told them I’m fine, I’m an athlete. Haha I think they noticed my belly but let me go home anyway.
I also went out one night to a friend’s birthday/divorce/celebrate anything party and turned up with a last minute present. I had been so stressed and sick this day. She said she was so happy I made it; I said “Don’t be so quick in saying that, I only got you the cheapest, most expensive Champagne that I could find on sale, and I have no idea what it even is… Plus it broke the gift bag.” But after a few waters on the rocks I was soon into the groove I used to have going on…
I found some unsuspecting friends of hers I had never met and quickly told them war stories about the time my gym/house burnt down and I was dehydrated for a body sculpting comp the next day, trying to escape and getting jammed between the door and the wall with a guitar in one hand and my 4 year old boy on my other hip. Here I had to make the decision what to take. If you think that was an easy decision when you are so stupidly malnourished that you don’t even realise for a while that the gym being on fire is not a normal every day occurence, then you may see my predicament. In the end I went back for the guitar and managed to save the flour, sugar and my scroggin. One of the guys said “You are the most interesting person I have met in 2018”. I gave him a thumbs up, grinned stupidly and said “I have to get home, enjoy your night”.
From having a laugh and a banter with him though, him being a global strategist, and swapping funny stories, he said I inspired him to say YES more. Now I can definitely think of a time earlier in the week when a NO would have been better.. (letting Amalia eat all the blueberries before driving home) but I realised that more often than not… I say yes without thinking. I’m not saying that it’s a good thing either way, because I have often bitten of more than I can chew, got into situations that panick me or cause anxiety as I have NOOOO idea what I’m doing or made a complete fool of myself (which people say grow you as a person, however on reflection of some things, it really just stressed me out unnessesarily). However I can say I have led a full life and tried most things that I have been fortunate enough to be given the opportunity.
These days it’s harder to commit fully to anything that comes my way (due to family commitment), but as I get stronger and my mental acuity starts to return I notice that there are small opportunities that do come my way. It wasn’t all that many months ago that I felt I had no hope or passion left in me. Most of the time I am confined within my house and don’t get out that much, but through the power of social media and technology I can actually still attend meetings and connect with people over the phone or social media, emails etc and given that I can communicate, and somewhere in my head I do know what I want and need, I can actually start creating and attracting opportunities that do align with what I can realistically achieve right now and where I see myself in the future.
Sometimes amongst the poo, vomit and fatigue, it just takes a gentle reminder IN YOUR FACE that in fact YOU WERE INSANE. That being said, if you were once one way, what’s stopping you being that again? I may never again shoot an AK47, or punch someone in the head for points, but that “crazy” that gave me those experiences is still there. There’s nothing stopping me using it to add gherkins to the fruit salad, becoming president or designing a new lifestyle goal that I can achieve around the kids and poo.
So let me ask you; Are you the most interesting person you have met in this short year? There’s nothing stopping you from being that person you always thought you would be.
Just the word NO.
Oh and my 15 year old found my first grey hair… GAH…
Apparently I’m 4 weeks away from having another wee baby and to be fair it couldn’t come sooner as this body is SOOOOORE…
I have taken a break over the holidays. I’ve stopped work, camped with the kids (for one night in Mangawhai due to the storm), gone walking often, travelled to Gisborne for Christmas, visited family and friends, been to see Six60, made peace with people I have not been communicating with, had healings and karmic cleanses, prepared good healthy food and enjoyed my family.
I have to say; I was not in a good place last month. What absolutely humbled me was the kindness and love shown to me by friends. I’m not sure why I was so completely broken or felt the way I did because normally I can cope. For some reason I fell apart completely and I couldn’t put myself back together. I couldn’t visualise the “goodness” in the future., the life I always preach. But my friends (and I am so surprised at who they were) that I have been lucky enough to attract or surround myself with gave me advice, an ear, strawberries, flowers, a hamper, vision alignment courses, spiritual healing, vouchers, healings, job offers, lunch, a phone call and their time. I’m not kidding that every day I sat there feeling sorry for myself, someone came round or invited me walking or to see Christmas lights, dropped in with gifts or to chat. They listened to me pity myself and each person was different in what they said to me.
Every day I questioned; Why if I have helped myself through my whole life, and I know what to do, can I not put this into practice? After a while I stepped back from all my responsibilities and thoughts. I realised one integral thing. While I was in a place of REACTION, I was unable to operate from a place of CREATION anymore. Sometimes, and it was one of those times, you need to be okay with the fact that you are reacting. I was hurt and I was upset with so much going on in my life that I couldn’t deal with it all. However the moment I came to this realisation was the moment that I took my power back. A loss of power and the inability to control what was going on definitely played a part in my feeling hopeless, helpless and like I was caught up in a life I never asked for, that wasn’t my own.
How many people out there feel as though they have no control over what happens to them? You live every day reacting to what happens. Work happens, you have a job role and you do what is expected. You get hungry so you find something to eat. Someone speaks to you so you reply. Everything we do is mostly a reaction if you think about it.
I remember a few jobs I had (reception jobs I landed desperately) that I didn’t want or like doing. So I didn’t do them. Well not entirely true, I mean I did them, but I did it my way. I wanted to be more, so I did more. I created jobs and projects for myself that were not required or expected. I turned up early for work and in both of these jobs, developed roles that were more than a receptionist, that never existed, and was paid accordingly. That’s what happens when you live from a place of creation.
Replying to someones question is courtesy, but you can discover so much more when you create the conversation. I’ve discovered so much from people by taking the time to ask strangers questions or bring up topics of interest that are not the norm. Mind you I often get people thinking I am weird or strange by the things that come out of my mouth.
When I realised what the problem was for me, I took more time to reflect and decide what I wanted to create. I had no idea. It seemed like all my dreams were scrambled and I was really unsure. The New Year, new moon and new courses I was trying to take advantage of helped me to see that, while I knew what my basic needs were, I didn’t know what my true desires were yet and that’s actually okay. Right now I can think and attract what I need for my immediate needs and requirements, but how exciting is it to think that my future is going to be so super amazing that I am unable to even visualise it yet. Each day I become a little bit clearer in what I deserve and can achieve so it makes no sense to limit myself to my current thoughts.
Every day I attract a little bit more goodness into my life, so I know I must be on the right track. I don’t need to know everything that is going to happen in the future right this minute. I am trying to get all loose ends tied up and immediate jobs seen too A.K.A nesting.. and so far that has resulted in the ceilings been washed, walls in some areas cleaned, my fridge, pantry and white canvas shoes are all clean. I question my priorities too.. hmmm.
In the meantime every time my back cramps or I have a Braxton Hicks I pray that the baby comes so I can sit up without having to hook my toes under something solid for support, so I can sleep, choose when I need to pee, establish the new routine, get rid of either the boys or girls clothes I’ve collected and regain my mind as my own.
Being an impulsive person who wants results yesterday, I am learning to accept and be okay with the slow process this seems to be taking. Good things take time? Rome wasn’t built in a day?
OKAY baby evacuate NOW….
I’m a 32 year old woman. I have 3 children and am 10 weeks away from my 4th. I am broken and devastated. I have no idea what to do right now.
Everyone who knows me says I’m strong and can get through anything. The hurt plagues me. It sends me to despair. Today I went to church and held in the tears when singing. The preacher said; If you are feeling sad, sing with joy for God is great. Tonight I went to the supermarket with a tear-stained face, the Indian worker I always say hi to asked if I was okay. Choking back tears, he told me to be strong.
I have no strength right now. I stay awake at night, I can hardly eat, I shake, I feel sick, I can hardly walk sometimes, I am physically ill and I cry a lot. I’m in pain and it won’t go away. I can’t change the present. I tried to love selflessly, I became selfish in love and in the end I considered everyone’s feelings.
Currently I cry more than I don’t. Sometimes; I feel like I don’t want to be here. Life isn’t fair. What did I do to deserve this? How can I move on? How can anyone treat someone this way? What could I have done different? Is it me? Is this real? Why me? How am I going to cope? My mind tortures me.
I’m reminded, I’m not the only one to be in pain. I know I am better off than many others out there. I am grateful for my children and my life (although at first I couldn’t bear the thought of continuing). I would like to think life will get better and this is temporary. But it doesn’t stop the hurt and pain. It doesn’t stop the desperation or heart-break. It doesn’t change the reality or loss and grief I feel.
I know I have to be there for my kids and support the unborn baby emotionally and nutritionally. I know right now the state of my house is unimportant, even though cleaning helps keep my mind busy if I can manage it. I know I need to get well.
Grief and loss is a process. One that cannot be hastened. One that takes time and is a lonely road. Sympathy can be given but pain is a lonely feeling. I wish I felt nothing. I wish I loved shallowly. I wish things were different. I wished for a family, I have lost so many relationships but also gained family from my life this past year.
What is incredible is the empathy my 1 year old daughter has shown when I couldn’t cope. My crazy full on baby who doesn’t sit still, walks to me, gives me kisses, lies on me and pats my back. Where does she even get that from? My 11 year old son who has been rather challenging lately, tonight when I left the room to hide my pain away from my kids, put away all the baby toys, replaced the couch cushions and stacked books because he was trying to be helpful.
This morning he made me breakfast and a card APOLOGISING that I couldn’t go to my besties (who is here from overseas) birthday because I stayed home to look after the kids when my baby wouldn’t sleep at my friend’s house (who was going to babysit). All dressed up and ready to go nowhere.
My 15 year old daughter would happily look after the baby when she knew I needed a break.
My sister escorts me everywhere and helps out daily because she knows I need help. My Mother in Law listens to my negativity and thoughtless communication every day while I purge my confusion, frustration and sadness. My healer gives me affirmations and prays for me as she knows I am unable to say anything right now that makes any sense. Friends drop round or call and offer support even when they know not what to do.
I am lucky and grateful to be surrounded by the people I do have in my life. I am struggling. I am not coping. I am not perfect and I don’t have it together right now. I am lost, confused, reliant on others, hopeful, helpless and vulnerable. I don’t have strength right now. I have no future. All I have is tomorrow and a memory from yesterday.
What I would like to say is THANK YOU, thank you to all the people who are being strong for me while I cannot be strong for myself. To all the people in my life that offer hope, words of encouragement, support, loyalty and friendship in the times that I most need building up. Thank you for being by my side. I am truly grateful and I don’t take it for granted.
Today I communicated effectively without emotion to the one I feel hurt by. A step in the right direction I know, now I just need to be able to do that with the supermarket staff while I buy milk.
And just as a side note, the Moon has been a super nova and Mercury is in retrograde. This is bringing the past up lately for many people and will do so for a few weeks, so hold on. This too shall pass.
My old blogs from Body Sculpting days were hilarious. I thought… I was accused by my best friend of being fake. I didn’t think my writing was fake at all. I tried to make it funny and those things really happened. I also tried to bring into it my personal development and lessons I was learning along the way.
It got me thinking, this blog is completely true for the most part too. There are some things I leave out as I don’t want to affect anyone negatively, nor do I want to incorporate those involved in my writing. But one thing I need you to know… Although I try my best, I do not have it all together by any means. You may have guessed my weak point is my relationship skills with various people (at the moment).
Last night I re-watched the movie; The Secret. I got halfway through and it was saying, it’s not possible to have abundance in your life if you don’t have forgiveness. I had to stop watching here for a few reasons. First of all, how can I carry on learning when I know I have unresolved forgiveness issues. Second of all I can’t build on what I have watched until I get that part working.
Then I got thinking; Why can’t I just forgive and move on? Why is my stubbornness so relentless? If I forgive, am I opening myself up to being hurt again?
When my son’s Father and I broke up, to get through the pain I used to tell myself this story:
There were 2 little stars in the sky. “One star said to the other, If you could be anything, what would you be?” The star replied, “I would be forgiveness.” The first star said, “Ok, let’s go down to earth and I’ll do something so horrible, so nasty to you, you will get to feel what it’s like to be forgiveness.” The other little star replied, “Wow, really? You would do that for me?”. “Yes”, said the first star, “But remember I am only doing it because I love you.”
I used this story all the time, I told everyone. It really helped me to feel forgiveness and move forward from the pain I held onto. So it got me thinking. Why, when I have come all this way from sitting on the couch and feeling depressed, to now, I can get outside and life is fairly normal with the kids and my studies etc. Why, am I still holding onto all this pain that serves me no purpose but to remind me of sad times. It will eventually make me sick. It holds me back from moving on. Why can’t I let it go?
Let me ask you. What are you holding onto that does not serve a higher purpose? Is there someone in your life that you don’t talk to or forgive? Is there some anger or guilt that is holding you back that you can’t shake? And be real with yourself. Why are you holding onto it?
If I get real with what I’m feeling, I think it comes back to the fact that I want those people to hurt the way that I am hurting because I don’t think they understand how they made me feel. And that’s so wrong because a) no one can make you feel anything you don’t want to feel and b) it’s not right to try punish someone for the way I feel inside. You may remember that old saying too; Stupid is drinking the poison and expecting someone else to die. Or in my case; eating my sister’s cooking and expecting her to cark it.
I have no intention of holding onto this forever and feel like the reason it has come up for me is because I’m getting ready to deal with it. I have been thinking about forgiveness all day. I am extremely aware of where I am at and have every intention of clearing it all out sooner rather than later. Life is too short to hold onto bad energy and it just doesn’t fit with what I intend on creating. You can forgive without accepting that behaviour in the future.
You may be ok with forgiveness, but if your reading this, maybe leave a comment and let me know what it is that you struggle with in your life at the moment. What aspect would you want to see change? And remember, moments do change. It needn’t be stuck forever. Forgive. You owe it to yourself.
Firstly, I would never punch my dentist in the face. I’m really sorry about that.
Now that the antibiotics have kicked in and the pain is manageable for my horrendous toothache, I can reflect.
PAIN… Whether physical or emotional makes me and many other people grumpy and essentially NOT NICE. Those that live in chronic pain, I really feel for you. Those that aren’t even aware of the emotional pain or stress you are under, I’ve been there too and you won’t even realise the effect it has on your life, because this has become your “normal”.
I still have no idea what is wrong with my tooth and have been told it’s the following by different medical professionals; my bottom back tooth needs removing, my top back tooth needs removing, I need a root canal, I have a sinus problem, there is an abscess, pregnancy hormones and lack of oxygen to my tooth is causing pain. In short, I left it as the antibiotics have finally dulled the pain so obviously some type of infection and hopefully buy myself some time over the expensive Christmas period.
It may seem a coincidence that in the last 4 days of suffering I have; received a letter for fines that have been sent to an address 4 houses ago with tax added even though I had given my new address at the time, the same day I received a letter from Baycorp who are now handling a debt I had from 18 yrs old, the same day I received a letter from IRD in regards to my companies tax (I don’t normally get bills that I don’t know about or aren’t managed). I also had that major incident with my son if you recall him wanting to live at his Dad’s. I was unsuccessful with selling anything on TradeMe. Things were going wrong left, right and centre. I felt crap. I couldn’t get organised. I couldn’t concentrate on work. I failed my monthly goals I set.
Today I started to feel better. The pain was no longer the important player in my life. I went for a walk again. I managed to get my sons Christmas presents for $100 less than expected. I got a major discount on an upgrade for my daughters Christmas present due to an error in advertising and delivery dates and the product being unavailable after some gentle negotiations. I got some grades back for Horticulture and passed. Strawberries were 3 for $5 on the roadside instead of 2 and we had an amazing asparagus salad for dinner. YUM!
Tomorrow I’m ready to start a 12 day programme for visionaries and abundance in my life and I am so ready to step it up a notch! A friend of mine, Viola Hug-Taylor is running this incredible prgramme through facebook if you feel like this is the right place for you to be right now, it’s not to late. Look it up: Abundant babes – a home for the visionary.
It just goes to show the energy that you emit, whether good or bad, will attract more of the same. You may not even be aware of the frequency you vibrate on, or the energy you share. Heck, even when you are aware you can’t always change it so easily. But try focus on the good stuff, it’s easier when the sun is out, you start seeing the good in things all around you.
Reconnect with people. Tonight I talked to a friend on the phone for over an hour! I never do that and man was it good. She nearly gave me a heart attack when she screamed, dropping the phone; “A big… black… aargghhh… it jumped out… I ran inside…” She lives so far away, I don’t know if I need to call the police or what!! Thank goodness it was just a bug, but uh uh no thank you anyway. Talking to her again, I realised just how kind, caring, considerate, loving and supportive she is.
I watched an old man walk his old dog and I thought about how lovely it is that they walk together and all the good times they must have shared. There is love and beauty all around us when you look.
Every day I laugh with my daughter as I try and see the world through her cute little eyes. Everything she does is adorable. Even the annoying things.
I’m so lucky, I’m so lucky everyday that I don’t have to be in pain. Pain is just a reminder of how good we truely have it when we can be present to focus on anything but… Thank you toothachey ache, thanks for reminding me how good I have it when your not hanging around!